Holiday Expectations
As the holidays approach, people experience a variety of emotions. Some adults, like children, will look forward to this season with excitement, anticipation and joy. Others may begin to feel the stress and pressure, or feel anxious. Others still, may find themselves grieving a loved one, and find themselves experiencing a new kind of loneliness. Whatever emotion comes up for you is valid and deserves to be acknowledged.
Often, our family and friends have certain beliefs and expectations, traditions even, for the holidays. But what happens when these beliefs and expectations clash with what we want or need? Melody Beattie wrote, “Many of us are torn between what we want to do on the holiday, and what we feel we have to do. We may feel guilty because we don’t want to be with our families. We may feel a sense of loss because we don’t have the kind of family to be with that we want. Many of us, year, after year, walk into the same dining room on the same holiday, expecting this year to be different. Then we leave, year after year, feeling let down, disappointed, and confused by it all.”
Is it Wrong to Set Boundaries?
So now what? How does this change? One place to start is by acknowledging what exactly it is that you need, want and what will make you feel good. Sometimes, the hardest words to say are no or I can’t. What stops you from saying “no” when your sister asks you to babysit her kids and you’re already overwhelmed with work? What stops you from saying “I can’t” when your friend invites you to their Christmas party, and you’re worried about the health of you and your family? What makes you feel obligated to overspend on gifts when you know you can’t afford it this year? More often than not, what stops us from saying no is feeling like we’re disappointing someone when we say no. We are afraid they may become upset at us or reject us because we didn’t do what they wanted. What do we do with these conflicting needs and expectations?
Brené Brown identifies guilt as “I did bad” and shame as “I am bad.” When you think of saying no or doing something different, do you feel like you’re doing something wrong? Is feeling bad or believing you are bad what stops you from setting a boundary? Brené Brown also says that many of us have shame triggers around being perceived as selfish, self-indulgent or narcissistic. But is setting a boundary selfish, self-indulgent or narcissistic?
No. In fact, boundaries are a form of self care, and self-love. Setting boundaries can mean that you know what makes you feel good, comfortable and safe. It also means that you value and respect yourself enough to do what feels most authentic. Asking ourselves, “What do I need right now?” and then honouring it is what makes setting boundaries so powerful. There is a quote by an unknown author that states, “the only people who get upset when you set boundaries are those who benefited from you having none.” When you engage with someone who truly understands and respects boundaries, they will acknowledge and appreciate the ones you set. They can still be sad or disappointed, but they won’t see the boundary as a rejection of them. They will perceive it as you taking care of your own needs. However, what is even more important is how you feel once you’ve set the boundary. Once you’ve said no, or done what felt right for you in the moment, more than likely you will feel a sense of relief, freedom and perhaps even happiness.
Boundaries During the Holidays
What might boundary setting sound or look like during the holidays? It may look like leaving the Christmas dinner earlier than others would like from you. It could sound like, “Thank you for the invitation but I think I’m going to stay home this time.” Another boundary might sound like, “You know we normally love to participate in the extended family gift exchange, but this year, we are choosing to focus on just the immediate family.” There is nothing wrong with identifying what you need or feel most comfortable with.
Sometimes boundary setting involves our employers too. It might mean turning down an extra shift so that we can spend more time with our family. It might also look like turning off the work phone or not answering emails when we’re with our family. Another way to set a work boundary is to turn on the “vacation” messaging for emails, letting the sender know you are out of the office and when they can expect a reply. In doing this, you are setting a boundary and release some of the pressure to respond immediately.
Living Authentically
Authenticity, according to Brené Brown, is a conscious choice of how we want to live. It’s not an easy choice, and when we first start choosing ways that support our own well-being, sometimes it will take courage and an ability to lean into the discomfort of another person’s reaction. However, this life is your’s to live. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important that they be acknowledged. Know that it is perfectly acceptable to listen to what is best for you, even if someone else is disappointed. That doesn’t make you selfish or self-indulgent. It shows self-love and self-compassion. It’s okay to choose you!
Upcoming Events
Kim will be starting an 8-week group on Living Your Gifts of Imperfection in January and you can sign up for either the online or the in-person group. Sign up before January 1st, 2021 to receive our early bird registration rate.
Other Recommendations
If you have recently lost a loved one or find yourself grieving during this holiday season, we invite you to read our blog from last December, Grief and the Holidays.
For more information about boundaries, self-care, and authentic living, Kim recommends the following books:
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
About Kimberly Hamilton
Kimberly Hamilton is a Registered Provisional Psychologist and teacher. She is also a Grief Recovery SpecialistⓇ and EMDR clinician. She has nearly twenty years of experience as a teacher and school counsellor. She is very passionate about how to support grieving students and believes in the power of the teacher-student relationship. Kimberly also loves running process groups and has facilitated numerous groups for both adults and adolescents. She is fascinated by the power of the group process.
Kimberly has taught students both in Canada and Mexico, from a variety of backgrounds and one thing has remained constant: children are grieving and teachers don’t know how to support them. She has found much joy in spreading the message and empowering teachers through small, actionable steps and validating the experiences of students.
Photo Credit: https://unsplash.com/photos/U8FV0rOC7Fo