Hope for the Holidays: Supporting Children Amid Loss

Hope for the Holidays: Supporting Children Amid Loss - Written by Celeste Ferguson

While the holiday season is often viewed as a time of joy and celebration, it can also be

a time of tremendous stress, worry, sadness, anxiety, and everything else in between for adults

and children alike. Holiday challenges can be further highlighted or heightened by experiences

of loss either recent or long ago. While death and divorce often come first to mind when we

think of different kinds of loss, any change or end of a familiar pattern can naturally bring grief.

This inclusive understanding of what constitutes loss remains true even for children. However,

we must recognize that children in the same family will experience the same loss in different

ways, since several factors influence and shape grief. These factors include developmental age,

temperament, cultural background, past experiences with loss, unique relationship to the lost,

and more.

As caregivers we can struggle ourselves to navigate the holidays when grieving which

can make it challenging to support a grieving child. Regardless, it remains certain that all

children rely on the adults in their lives for support and guidance through grief.

Here are some ideas on how to support child grievers during the holidays to increase

connection, hope, and healing within relationships:

Understand that children grieve differently

Often, children will not continuously display their grief the same way adults do. It is both

normal and natural for a child’s grief and emotions to fluctuate and change, often shifting from

sadness to joy, laughter to tears, and from withdrawal to active participation in their lives.

These fluctuations can occur day to day, hour by hour, and even minute by minute, requiring

flexibility and understanding on the part of their caregivers. While this can be challenging at

times to navigate, it is important they feel supported no matter what they are experiencing in

the moment. Caregivers can support children by remaining present, listening, and providing

comfort as well as co-regulation whenever possible.

Allow opportunities for expression and processing

Grief is an internal process and the emotional response we have to loss, and there are

many ways to process it. One important caveat exists that to heal it, we need to feel it. This

means to process grief, it is important to move through our emotions rather than turn away

from them. It becomes important to be able to find ways to externalize our grief, which holds

true for children as well. For children, emotional expression can take different forms including

play, storytelling, building/crafting, singing, and drawing. These opportunities allow children to

acknowledge and share their experiences in creative and healthy ways, especially when they

may not have the words. Other ways to express grief can also take the form of talking through

their loss. This requires additional support for their caregivers and family also grieving the loss,

including but not limited to reaching out to supportive others. Having a supportive network of

others around you not only provides your children with different sources of comfort but also

allows for you to receive compassionate care in your time of loss as well.

Recognize, validate, and honour their emotional experiences

My favourite quote from Megan Devine reads that “acknowledgment makes things

better, even when they can’t be made right.” This quote resonates with me as I strongly believe

no griever, including a child, needs or wants to be fixed. Nor do they need to “get over” or

“move on” from loss. Rather, they have an innate need be seen, heard, and validated in their

experiences. With children (especially younger children), this often requires supporting to find

words for their emotional experiences which allows for emotional awareness and expression.

As caregivers, we need to flex our curiosity to become a feeling detective and understand their

experiences. With older children, you may be able to have more direct conversations to talk

through what their grief looks and feels like. Regardless of how you have these conversations,

children need to know that you are a listening ear, and that you are there for them no matter

what form their grief takes.

It is also okay to be honest and share your own feelings of grief with them, as children

can often sense emotions even if they do not understand. By sharing your own grief, you are

also encouraging them to share their thoughts and feelings, which can begin to settle worries,

building a connection of mutual comfort. Sharing lets them know there is no need to be strong

for those around them, and that they do not need to grieve alone.

Make a plan for navigating the holidays

When navigating grief, it is helpful to make a plan that considers each family member’s

individual experience of grief and their needs during the holidays. This plan involves discussing

how the holiday will be observed and celebrated (events and traditions) while considering how

the loss can be honoured. It can be helpful to talk about what comfort and support each family

member might need, when they may need a break, and how to express it. For children, having a

plan can support their sense of control and increase comfort through structure and

predictability while also decreasing uncertainty and lessening worries.

Remember and honour the loss while moving forward

Having discussed and determined a general plan of how to navigate the holidays, an

important step has been taken to acknowledge grief rather than turn away from it. Additionally,

children deserve to be given the opportunity to “be a child” and celebrate in ways that are

familiar without guilty and judgment. This may require flexibility from caregivers to balance

familiar traditions and routines with new traditions and ways of remembering and honouring

the loss. Having this balance can support moving through grief during the holidays by looking

back on life pre-loss while also looking forward to life now altered by loss. There are many ways

in which children can engage in traditions of remembering those that have died and other

losses. Some of these ways include sharing memories/stories, making ornaments, decorations,

or a memory box. The creation of new traditions, with the input of children, can also support

remembering and honouring the loss with meaningful action.

While there is a complexity to supporting children during the holidays due to their

individual and unique experiences, it is important to remember the power of your caregiving

relationship. If you or your child is struggling with a loss, please don’t hesitate to reach out to

our team at the Grief and Trauma Healing Centre.

Blog Written by Celeste Ferguson

Celeste is a Registered Provisional Psychologist, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist, and EMDR

Therapist. She has experienced numerous losses that have highlighted the loneliness that can

accompany the ever-changing journey following loss, and how overwhelming it can be to feel

stuck in grief. Having worked extensively with children and their caregivers, she strongly

believes in the importance of utilizing an approach that emphasizes the power of connection

and emotional expression within safe and supportive relationships. In her work with individuals

of all ages at The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre, she brings this approach in her work with

clients to support them in feeling seen, heard, and validated.

To learn more about Celeste or to book a session with them, click here.