Self Compassion During The Holidays

The holiday season often brings with it a mixture of joy and stress, as we navigate the demands of the season while missing our loved ones. During times of stress, it is particularly easy to become hooked to our thoughts. We may even find that some of our thoughts are beating us up and bringing us down, which is all quite constrictive to our nervous system. We may even end up behaving in ways that take us away from our values, and from honouring our loved ones. Experimenting with using self-compassion, or holding yourself kindly, while going through difficult times can help decrease some of the distress on your body, heart, and mind by creating a sense of expansion.

Sometimes self-compassion gets confused with self-pity or making excuses. Kristin Neff, a researcher in this area, states that self-compassion has three components. First, self-compassion explores our shared humanity. As humans we all experience pain, and we all have our own strengths and limitations. Leading us into the second component, kindness. With self-compassion we are able to hold ourselves kindly, as we would a loved one, to get through those difficult moments with a knowing that they will pass. Keeping in mind that within each moment I am doing the best I can, and my best will look different moment by moment. While practicing the third component, mindfulness, we are acknowledging the pain that is already here, and in doing so we are able to gently expand around it. While keeping in mind our shared humanity, we can look at the painful feelings with a sense of curiousity, and treat them with kindness. Allowing us to give the painful thoughts and emotions space to move through us, rather than getting hooked or trying to push them away.

With our capacity to expand around the pain, we can move forward. It provides us a little room to breathe, to reflect, to choose how we want to behave in a meaningful way, to honour our loved ones, and fosters the opportunity to come out of the auto-pilot settings we may be feeling stuck in. Allowing us to be more present and engaged.

Pain and love are interwoven and with self-compassion, we can move towards a healing space. I invite you to experiment with these gentle self-compassion exercises from the work of Kristin Neff. With a sense of openness and curiousity noticing how your body responds in this moment to access your ability to hold yourself kindly.

Giving and receiving compassion: This exercise can be done anytime, in any space, and is a gentle reset to become more present during challenging moments. I invite you to take a moment bring your focus to your breathing, and noticing if you can breathe a little slower, and deeper than usual. I invite you to imagine as you breathe in, receiving compassion from yourself, and as you exhale offer compassion to others. Breathe in – compassion for myself. Breathe out – compassion for others. Repeating this a few times. Breathe in – compassion for myself. Breathe out – compassion for others. Breathe in – compassion for myself. Breathe out – compassion for others. Breathe in – compassion for myself. Breathe out – compassion for others.

Compassion break: In a moment of distress or discomfort, I invite you to take a pause and bring to mind the following sentences (you may want to write them on sticky notes or on your phone so they are easily accessible):

  • This is a moment of suffering

  • Suffering is a part of the human experience

  • May I be kind to myself and give myself the compassion I need

Lovingkindness meditation: In the midst of difficult emotions (or at any time), take a moment to ground yourself in the present moment. Getting in touch with what is happening in your body, lay a hand on your heart, and offer the following lovingkindness meditations to yourself:

  • May I be safe

  • May I be peaceful

  • May I be kind to myself

  • May I accept myself as I am

Remembering that we all share this human condition, now expand…

  • May we all be safe

  • May we all be peaceful

  • May we all be kind to ourselves

  • May we all accept ourselves as we are

Neff, K. (2021). Self compassion break. Instagram., Harris, R. (2021). ACT for Grief and Loss training.

Blog Written by Dena Samimi-Ward

Dena is a Registered Psychologist, Advanced Certified Grief Recovery Specialist, and EMDR Clinician.

Dena has completed additional certifications and trainings in Infant Mental Health, Level 1 and Level 2 through the Trauma and Loss Centre, Neurosequential Model, Response Ability Pathways (RAP), Designing Trauma Informed Services, Play Therapy Based Treatment of Trauma from RMPTI, HeartMath, Shame, and Polyvagal Theory. She is also in the process of becoming a Somatic Experiencing Provider.

She was drawn to work in the area of grief and trauma due to personal as well as professional experiences.

Dena utilizes a client-centred approach to find what works best for her clients, with the goal of moving towards a place of healing, growth, and joy.

Click here to work with Dena.

Ashley Mielke