The Dos and Don’ts of Healing from Grief
I became aware of how ill-equipped I was to deal with grief when my dad relapsed into alcohol and substance abuse and died by suicide nearly a decade ago. I was 23 years old and a second-year graduate student studying to become a psychologist.
The intellectual information I had been taught about grief, was not emotionally helpful. There was nothing anybody could say or do to stop the pain I felt in my heart. I realized quickly that the one experience we will all have, we are emotionally unprepared to deal with.
I heard several comments following my dad’s death that offered little emotional comfort including, “You are so strong, you’ll get through this”, “Just give it time”, “Keep busy”, “This will make you an excellent therapist”, “He’s in a better place”, “At least his suffering is over”, and “God will never give you more than you can handle”. Although this feedback and advice came from well-meaning people in my life, I felt unheard and isolated in my pain.
For the next three years, I buried my emotions under school, work, food, and any other numbing behaviour I could, as a way to distance myself from the pain I felt inside. And it wasn’t until 2013 when I realized that all of the activities of avoiding, escaping¸ and numbing that I was engaging in, were not serving me in my healing. That is when I took action to heal my broken heart.
Here is a summary of what I learned in the process.
Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.
There are over 40 forms of loss that can create the feelings of grief including any major loss, change, or transition like death, divorce, break-up, moving, loss of trust, loss of safety, loss of routine, and loss of health. When we grieve, there is nothing wrong with us. We are human beings having a human experience.
Grief is not a mental illness, psychological disorder, or an emotional disease. Grief is about a broken heart not a broken brain.
Grief is unique and individual to each one of us.
Every loss is unique; thus, every grieving person is unique. There are no reactions so common that every single one of us will experience them. Even if you share a parallel experience with a spouse, family member, friend, or colleague, the emotional intensity of the loss will be unique to you.
Even Elizabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler agreed that grief is not linear. We cannot package complex, messy, and unpredictable emotions into neatly organized stages. You only know your pain.
Unresolved grief drains energy and robs choice.
In an attempt to avoid our painful emotions, we often turn to substances and behaviours that offer temporary relief from the emotional energy we have bottled up inside. These are referred to as short-term energy relieving behaviours (STERBs). These may include food, alcohol, drugs, smoking, prescription pills, gambling, work, exercise, gaming, anger, isolation, sex, television, and electronics.
STERBs give the illusion of recovery because for a short time we feel different. The problem is, they don’t offer long-term relief from our painful emotions. In order to achieve the desired effect of the STERB, we must continually engage in it. For example, a glass of wine in the evening may slowly increase to a bottle of wine if we are not mindful.
Relying on STERBs to soothe and heal our broken hearts after loss runs the risk of us developing substance dependence and further compounding the pain and intensity of our grief.
Grief must be acknowledged, felt, and witnessed.
The only way through our grief is through. It is important that we acknowledge our experience as grief and process the emotions attached to the experience.
We must feel it to heal it.
It is helpful to process our grief with someone who has earned the right to hear our emotional truth. We heal in relationship, not in isolation.
When you share your emotional experience, it is important to consciously shift from your head to your heart, acknowledging and naming the emotions you are feeling, and focusing on the emotional impact of the loss. And if you feel a lump in your throat or heaviness in your chest, give yourself permission to cry your tears. This is a healthy and natural way to communicate and process the emotional energy within your body. And when you’re finished sharing, ask the listener for a hug or a handshake. Physical touch is a powerful way to deepen your sense of safety and belonging and it can help to regulate your emotions.
Grief requires us to take new action.
Simply waiting for time to pass, acting strong, or keeping busy is often not enough for us to discover and complete what is emotionally unfinished in our relationship with the person who died, from whom we are now divorced, or any other circumstance.
Taking responsibility for our healing and embracing our painful emotions, is essential to moving forward and reclaiming our sense of meaning in life.
I encourage you to order The Grief Recovery Handbook by John James and Russell Friedman. It is the only evidence-based grief support program available in the world, that contains actionable steps to heal our broken hearts after loss.
The Grief Recovery Method® is the program we specialize in at The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre and have supported thousands of people through since 2013. This is the very same program that transformed my life after my dad died.
Grief and loss are inevitable in life.
Every single one of us will be impacted by loss, in one way or another. If you are struggling and are seeking tools to process your emotional pain and you’re not sure where to turn, our team of grief and trauma therapists would love nothing more than to support you.
We offer The Grief Recovery Method® program in individual, group, and workshop formats to suit your unique needs and desires. Click here, for information regarding upcoming events.
We wish you well on your journey of healing.
In Love and Service,
Ashley Mielke
About Ashley Mielke
Ashley Mielke is a Registered Psychologist, Advanced Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, and Founder and Director of The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre Inc. in Edmonton, AB. Ashley is also an international speaker and the exclusive Canadian Certification Trainer for The Grief Recovery Institute.
Ashley is a heart-centred, purpose-driven leader, with a deep passion for serving others who have experienced loss of any kind. Ashley was called to her purpose in the wake of a number of painful losses in her own life, including the tragic suicide of her father. Ashley’s personal healing fueled her passion to empower others to move beyond the pain caused by loss and reclaim their sense of meaning and well-being. Nothing makes Ashley feel more alive than the opportunity to impact others lives through the shared human experience of loss.
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