The Other Side of Back to School… After-School Restraint Collapse
Let me tell you why I think you need to know about this term if you have or care for school aged children in those hours after school. It’s an all too familiar picture for some of us. Your child comes home from school and although they likely had a good day, they’re suddenly whiny, disrespectful, angry, or crying and melting down. This might even happen frequently throughout the year and isn’t necessarily related to anything negative happening at school.
Here’s what else might be going on; your child is spending the majority of their day trying to hold in their feelings, keep things together, and follow the rules, that they come home and they are just exhausted. Their nervous system is so overwhelmed and all that energy has to find a way out! And of course, what better environment to let out all that energy than in their safe space with you?! Children that are more introverted, sensitively wired, or have learning or other disabilities might be especially impacted by this. Of course, other things that deplete our nervous systems are going to make our children more easily overwhelmed, like lack of sleep, being hungry, feeling sick, etc.
As our children go back to school this year, I suspect that many kids are going to experience this. Our kids have faced so much over the last year and a half, I don’t need to tell you the extent of this. But I do want to say that I see COVID as a collective grief and a collective trauma experience, and we have all been impacted in so many ways. Some of our kids are going to be emotionally and physically exhausted as we move back into school.
So, what can we do to support them?
Firstly, remember that this isn’t personal. This is just their nervous system needing to discharge energy. Try holding space for the emotions that they’re experiencing. Once we talk about our feelings, our bodies naturally move towards healing.
Delight in your child. Practice the “light up”! Greet them with a huge smile and bright eyes, and let them know how special they are to you.
Avoid asking too many questions about their day right away (even though I know you want to know!). Let them decompress when they get home. They may need to have some quiet time to wind down and transition to being home before they can give you details.
Bring on the snacks! An after school snack and drink can make a huge difference.
Fill up their attachment cup in the mornings. Extra snuggles, kisses, hugs, or connecting through a special activity in the mornings can help them feel more settled during the day.
Stay connected! While our kids are away from us, they still need to rest in our love. Find unique ways to maintain connection even when we’re apart from them. Some ideas include:
leaving them a surprise note in their lunch
letting them take an object to school that they associate with you (a keychain, a photo in a locket/necklace).
The Invisible String, or The Kissing Hand books for younger kids are fun ways to learn how to stay connected when you’re apart.
Create a relaxing environment for when they get home.
Model and teach emotional intelligence. The key here is using I statements to express feelings (“I feel sad/mad/anxious/overwhelmed”).
Take a mindful break; grounding exercises, mindfulness and meditation, deep breathing, spending time in nature, doing something creative, dancing, or listening to calming music.
Provide structure. Kids love and need routines. Predictability makes them feel safe.
When your child is calm, then you can debrief with them and collaboratively come up with solutions. We cannot problem solve with our children when their brains and nervous systems are overwhelmed.
Above all else, know that you’re doing great and you’ve got a great kid. And if you need extra support, we at The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre are here to support you through therapeutic services for your child, or parent consults to help you learn extra tools and strategies moving forward. You’ve got this!
Blog Written by Sarah Hopkins
Sarah is a Registered Provisional Psychologist. She is also a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, EMDR Clinician, and Registered Circle of Security® Parent Facilitator (COS-P). She has taken specialized training in maternal mental health through Post Partum Support International (PSI).
Her own experiences with grief, loss, and trauma have absolutely propelled her drive to sit with others, witness their pain, and support their healing.
Being a parent herself she appreciates being able to help other parents support their children through anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, and other issues.
To learn more about Sarah or to book a session with her, click here.