Breaking the Stigma Around Men’s Grief
So I was sitting in a pub just a few weeks ago with four other friends. A typical and very stereotypical guys night out that centered around hockey, beer and wings. We have all known each other for more than 20 years, and our lives are all vastly different, but we are all close friends. I was feeling particularly nervous that night, because I had been keeping it from them that I had been working at The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre for months, and that I was guiding clients to process their grief and recover from loss. I mustered up some courage, pulled out my business cards that I was so proud of, then told them about my new role between periods.
They laughed. They laughed until there were tears in their eyes, as they read my card and grabbed their phones to look up the website.
I assumed that their initial reaction was to question my validity in this role. It was upsetting that their first inclination was to laugh, but I realized that I had made things a little uncomfortable on guys' night. I used that humor to steer the conversation and normalize their feelings around the work I was doing. I shared that I felt insecure at the onset, but through my experience with the program I was able to share how honoured I felt to be in this position and hear people's stories, and then the conversation shifted.
Suddenly, there was a space for us to talk. None of us there that night are traditional “men’s men” but in my experience few men truly are in their essence. They just rarely have opportunities to feel safe and be heard. So often, we as men have not been taught to share, to feel discomfort, to show weakness or how to be present and listen.
I brought up the concept from the Grief Recovery Method of being a heart with ears. The process of listening without judgment, interruption or suggestion. We all laughed again, but the mood was different, and now we were free to talk about how men don’t often get the help they need due to fear and stigma. How men that we know that have sought out professional help are often motivated by a crisis such as death, divorce, mental health struggles or substance dependence. Since that evening we will occasionally text a heart and an ear emoji as a reminder of that night. It is a little tongue in cheek, but with a serious undertone. That night changed some patterns of behaviour in a small way, but started an ongoing dialogue about things including our health, parenting styles, and relationships both present and past.
In my experience, men seem to apologize to each other for sharing. If you start to pay attention and watch for this, you will be surprised at its frequency. I’ll hear a friend or coworker make a profound emotional statement and follow it up with:
“I know it sounds stupid.”
“I’m sorry you had to listen to that.”
“I’m so sorry for crying like a _________” you can fill the blank, I guarantee it’s seldom flattering.
So what do men learn about grief and loss? Typically empty myths that do not provide comfort or healing and often leave us feeling isolated even more. The Grief Recovery Method offers us six myths that we all learn about grief. I invite you an opportunity to read and reflect on them. This is by no means a complete list, and we all learn to incorporate these unhelpful ideations as they are modeled for us.
Myths Around Grief:
Don’t Feel Bad
Replace the Loss
Grieve Alone
Just Takes Time
Be Strong for Others
Keep Busy
As grief and emotional distress accumulate throughout our lives, and without some form of intervention, we risk handling them in inappropriate, and even dangerous ways. Men’s death by suicide rate in Canada remains fairly stable at about 3 to 1 men versus women (Statistics Canada 2018). What this doesn’t tell you is that as men age, the risk increases as the number is just a general average. When men isolate, hide their pain, and lack healthy coping mechanisms needed to deal with loss, tragedy may result. We have to look after each other and learn ways to recover.
The Grief Recovery Method is a powerful tool to help you complete the losses that you carry through life. Remember, these are often cumulative and time does not heal all wounds. The process teaches you to be honest with yourself. It provides a place to share and be heard in a way that you may have never had access to. By taking the right steps and bravely working through the program you will find comfort and completeness. Whether something happened years ago or recently, you can begin a journey to recovery with one small step. We don’t have to suffer alone.
Blog Written by Brian Sloane
Brian is a Grief Educator and Certified Grief Recovery Specialist on at The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre. He offers individual and group Grief Recovery services.
His professional training is as an educator, primarily in special education. He has been teaching for the past 23 years and enjoys coaching students who have lost their way and need a plan to succeed.
Brian's personal experience with loss, working in coaching and helping roles, and his natural ability to support others inspires him to serve grieving people on their pathway to healing.
To learn more about Brian or to work with him click here.