Part One of Three: Living Behind Armour: Why Those With ADHD Mask
This is part one of a three-part series on masking and unmasking in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (also called ADHD and referred to as a Neurodivergency).
I was 34 years old when I was diagnosed with ADHD. This was something that I suspected for quite some time, and yet, part of me denied my experiences related to ADHD. From a place of privilege, I looked at my successes and achievements and I thought there was no way I could have a diagnosis and be successful. This was further promoted by those around me who wondered: how have you done so well so far? And how has this not been notice before? As I learned more about people’s experiences with ADHD, and in particular, how Neurodivergent individuals tend to mask their symptoms to fit into the world -including through taking on too much to demonstrate capability - I began to know and understand myself in a much deeper and loving way.
What is ADHD?
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects 5-8% of the population (Barkley, 2010). There are three main areas of diagnosis: inattentiveness, impulsivity, and hyperactivity. Some are more inattentive types, some are more impulsive/hyperactive, but the most common is a mix of both. Any human can struggle in any of these areas and not have this diagnosis, the key here is that these symptoms have of impacted one’s ability to function in life in a significant way. It exists on a spectrum and can have impacts that range from mild to severe.
ADHD affects one’s entire operating system - the brain. Some describe the brain of a person with ADHD as chronically underaroused, and this leads to attempts to get stimulation in various ways. A significant factor for this is due to low levels of dopamine in the brain. This leads to overall problems of regulation: regulating sensory input, regulating thinking, regulating emotion, regulating nervous system activation and stress, and regulating behavior. This manifest through significant impacts to one’s internal world, such as getting distracted by sensory input, becoming lost in thought, and struggling with boredom. What is most often seen by others, though, is the behavior that ADHD can impact. It affects one’s ability to take action, to shift between tasks, to plan, organize space, manage time, and have sustained effort toward a goal. On the outside, this can be judged by others as too sensitive, laziness, apathy, and a lack of direction and an absence of goals.
As a child, I was often lost in my imaginary world often. Luckily, I had friends that often came with me into my imaginary worlds. When I wasn’t playing, I tended to be lost inside of books or hyperfocused on one particular hobby or task. I had an affinity for organizing and reorganizing my room over and over, until everything had its own spot. I had a constant dialogue in my mind. I had a voice, or stream of thought, in my mind, that would describe the world around me, my actions, and it would even describe to me my own thoughts. I often pretended I was in a movie and this voice was the narrator, describing to the invisible audience my every move. I had no idea that some people had periods of quiet in their minds. In school, I was rarely focused on what was being taught, due to the distractions inside my head. Despite all this, I would also get bored very easily. In my boredom, I had the desire to move my body, but would force myself to remain still. But I was smart and got by on my creativity and natural affinity for writing and reading, so nobody was worried. It wasn’t until later in life, when I started to deal with more difficult school subjects and had life issues that would cause big emotions and impact my self esteem, did all of this start to become more problematic. My internal dialogue shifted into anxious thoughts, I struggled more with motivation and sustained attention, my nervous system became constantly activated, and I become chronically overwhelmed.
What is not captured in the diagnostic criteria for ADHD, is that it affects one’s emotions, internal belief system, and self esteem. While emotional regulation issues and having an undeveloped sense of self could be a result of the disorder itself, likely it is also due to the pressures of having to fit into a neurotypical world. One way that individuals attempt to manage all of this is through masking.
What is masking?
Masking is when a Neurodivergent individual consciously or unconsciously hides their true self from the world to avoid judgement, accommodate others, and to fit into a neurotypical world (Hopkins & Ross-Child, 2022; Nerenberg, 2021).
Here are some ways that masking can show up:
- Instead of acting on impulses, a masked individual might disconnect from their body, or purposefully stop the body’s natural movement inclinations.
- A masked individual might get lost in their mind during a lecture and then spend hours afterward trying to learn the information in another way.
- A masked individual might make creative excuses for being chronically late.
- Instead of living in the organized piles of chaos, a masked neurodivergent individual may develop a fierce rigidity to their organization and cleanliness.
- To avoid the possibility of being judged, an individual might hide who they are by developing a fear of, and ultimately staying away from, social situations.
- A masked individual may put a lot of pressure on themselves to achieve a level of success that may not be sustainable, and perfectionism can develop.
- A masked individual might bottle up their emotions to avoid being judged for being “too much” or “too sensitive”
An informal poll taken on Instagram by the podcast “ADHD as Females” captured some elements of masking in individuals with ADHD. Most answers were profound, in that they point heavily toward masking being very common in females with ADHD. For example, 83% said they stay quiet or are very careful of what they say, 90% said they had perfectionist tendencies, 82% supress stimming behavior, 83% said they react as they perceive they are expected to, and 92% said they take on too much to show how capable they are.
Instead of being who they are at their core, a masked person may develop ways of functioning in the world in order to survive it. As a result, anxiety, depression and a lack of self esteem and self identity can develop. It’s exhausting. It takes us away from our true selves. At this point, you may be wondering: how do I take off my mask, become comfortable with myself, and develop a beautiful attachment to my true self? Join me, next month, as I dive into the beautiful and painful process of unmasking.
References
- Taking Charge of Adult ADHD (2010) – by Russell Barkley
- Divergent Mind (2021) – by Jenera Nerenberg
- Women with ADHD – The Hidden Flower (2022) – by Karen Hopkins and L. William Ross-Child
- Episode 4: Unmasking a Lifetime of ADHD Masking (2022) – by ADHD as Females https://www.adhdasfemales.com/podcast
Blog Written by Erin Newman
Erin Newman is a Registered Psychologist, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, EMDR Clinician, and Somatic Experiencing Practitioner on our clinical team.
Erin works from a holistic and trauma informed approach that looks through the lens of attachment theory, which examines how our childhood relationships shape our emotional world. Within this framework, she infuses many different strategies to support a variety of concerns, including relationship breakdown and loss, trauma, anxiety, depression, fertility, parenting struggles, and more. Erin’s way of viewing wellness and healing tends to be spiritual, artful, and somatic. Her aim is for you to feel seen and heard throughout the therapy process and to work toward the feeling of genuine connection and fulfillment.
To learn more about Erin or to book a session with her, click here.