Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse
I write this from a very tender place of experience. As I begin to put words to my experience, I feel my heart race and I notice my breath to be shaky and shallow. My nervous system is activating, my body gearing up in defense of what I am about to pull into my memory. My body’s wisdom knows that writing this may be difficult, yet it also knows I have the capacity for this. But first, I will begin with the more practical – the theories, facts, and research behind narcissistic traits.
Recently, there has been an explosion of awareness, knowledge, and education being shared about narcissistic traits. This is partly due to the hypothesis there has been an increase of narcissism in our society over the last few decades. Researchers aren’t entirely sure why, but some speculations attribute this increase to a highly capitalist society, coupled with changes in child-rearing practices that centre children’s achievements and successes as being most important, while unknowingly decentering empathy and genuine connection. In addition, there is a hypothesis that narcissistic traits develop from experiences of relational trauma as a child, where repeated experiences that lead one to feel an extreme lack of self esteem, and this creates an individual who responds by skyrocketing their ego to extreme levels to protect their inner deep vulnerability. Regardless of where it comes from, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and narcissistic traits are quite possibly growing in our society.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a set of traits that make up a formal psychological diagnosis. These traits include a grandiose sense of self, lack of empathy, and an inability to regulate their emotions without external validation. Narcissistic traits, on the other hand, are subclinical, meaning that these traits don’t necessarily make up all the criteria for NPD, but a person has many traits of it. Narcissistic traits are said to exist along a spectrum, with one end being self esteem, and the other end being full NPD. We all exist somewhere along the spectrum.
A lack of empathy is a hallmark trait of someone with narcissistic traits. This means a person is unable to see, understand, or accept the emotions of others, and this includes understanding the impact of their own behavior on another individual. In addition, someone with narcissistic traits has difficulty managing their own self esteem without external validation, and this often manifests as a grandiose and inflated sense of themselves. They may view themselves as smarter, better looking, nicer, and overall better than others. These two traits together lead an individual to become highly self serving in relationships – and this can include the use of manipulative strategies to maintain control over their own self esteem.
I was recently in a relationship with a person with high narcissistic traits. I was aware of these traits, and I made a conscious decision to enter into the relationship to see if personal and professional awareness of these traits was enough to be able to deal with them. I also wanted to see if there was any change. I made this choice because our first few meetings went really well and we connected. Over time, however, the narcissistic traits began to show.
The Tools
The tools that narcissistic individuals use against their partner are all designed to protect their deepest insecurities and vulnerabilities by keeping the other person’s full attention, value, care, and love on them and them only. They need this fuel or “narcissistic supply” in order to keep their inflated sense of self going. Unfortunately, these tools will keep the other person in a state of confusion, and will erode their sense of self and their self esteem.
One tactic that the person I was in a relationship with used was using my emotional boundaries against me. Early on, I realized there was no emotional safety in the relationship for me to be able to share vulnerable parts of myself, and I had to protect these parts. Emotional boundaries are unacceptable to a narcissist, because they do not allow the closeness required for deep manipulation. In attempting to break down these boundaries, I was often accused of being emotionally unavailable, closed off, untrustworthy, dishonest, and dysfunctional. At times I did drop this boundary out of pressure and for an attempt at deep intimacy, however, my past emotional wounds were then used against me. My traumas were blamed for my lack of emotional vulnerability, rather than this person’s manipulative behavior. Emotional boundaries become unacceptable to an individual with narcissistic traits, as it does not allow them to get in close enough to use other manipulation tactics.
This person also used a game of push and pull in a few different ways. He would distance himself for days at a time, only to come on super strong at other times and “love bomb”, which is a term used to describe a tool where a person comes in hard with statements of love and devotion, gifts, and promises of a hopeful future. Perhaps much more sinister was the times he would treat me with empathy, care and compassion, and other times would come in harsh with criticism, degradation, and contempt. This roller coaster ride was incredibly difficult. Love bombing and devaluing are tools used by narcissists to build love and hope in order to better use manipulation tactics.
Another tools this person used was deflecting. This is where the individual will turn conversations about their unacceptable behavior toward a different topic. In my case, conversations that were about his unacceptable behavior were redirected towards my “overreactions” and emotions to the behavior – making me the problem. Conversations would then go in circles, with the original concern never being addressed. Projection is another tool used to protect the ego. Sometimes this can be purposeful, but often it has become an unconscious strategy used by a narcissistic individual. This is where a narcissistic individual will accuse the other person of doing the very behavior they are engaging in. One example of this is where a narcissistic partner accuses the other of being manipulative. Or, when the individual accuses the partner of cheating. Deflection and projection both serve to protect the ego and keep an individual with narcissistic traits in the best possible light.
Gaslighting is a term used a lot lately. This is where a person uses statements denying their own behavior in an attempt to erode reality in the other person. The person on the receiving end then feels confused and distrustful of their own inner and outer reality, disabling them from calling out similar behaviors in the future. Gaslighting makes one feel confused and sometimes even “crazy” for their valid thoughts and emotions. Over time, this leads to an inability to make sense of one’s inner world.
Other tools are used through communication. Tools like word salad (where the conversation gets taken all over the place, in a nonsensical way), mindreading (where the person believes they know how you think and feel and expresses such without allowing you to respond), and circular conversations (going around and around without addressing the issue) are used in an attempt to purposefully confuse. More maliciously, this can be done to make the other person look and feel unintelligent. Conversations like these can create a freeze response in an individual’s nervous system, further limiting their ability to engage in such illogical conversations.
Darvo is a term that stands for “Deny, attack, reverse victim, and offender”. At the end of the relationship I was in, this played out step by step. First came the denial – “that didn’t happen”. Then came an attack toward me, I was accused of doing something that I didn’t. Then, this person took the opportunity for a role reversal, they put themselves in the role of victim and could now walk away, still in the best light possible. Darvo allows a narcissist to remain in a position of looking as best as possible in the situation, even though it is based on lies and harmful attacks.
The Hard Lessons
I am a highly empathic person, and it is a trait I value in myself. It is a trait I use as a therapist on a daily basis. Narcissists prey upon those who have high levels of empathy, as we can “fuel” their narcissistic supply through that empathy. Co-dependency then develops, where the narcissist thrives off the fuel that the other person provides, and the empathic person feels the need to keep supporting and loving the narcissist. Underneath this dynamic is usually a person with a very fragile sense of self who needs constant validation from a person who needs to give that validation in order to feel valued, loved, and worthy. Unfortunately, it becomes a damaging, co-dependent, trauma bonded mess.
The hard lesson here is that I really had to sit back in the aftermath and examine my inner wounds and deep human needs. There was a sense of shatteredness that I felt in the aftermath, as though I am a piece of pottery I dropped, and my pieces, scattered on the floor, are unrecognizable. I may try to rebuild my pottery in the same way I always have, but somehow that won’t work this time - the pieces don’t fit together in the same way. I have to rebuild by pieces into something new in order to love myself enough to walk away.
I consider myself lucky. I learned to protect my vulnerable emotional self in this relationship very early on. Some may wonder why I stayed. When trauma bonds happen, parts of our brain get hijacked. The brain’s substance dependence pathway and the dopamine neurotransmitter are involved in relationships like these. The way I saw it, the relationship was a roller coaster ride. If I chose to get off, I would fall hard, likely an emotional smash to the ground. Or I could wait until the ride came to it’s inevitable end and hopefully disembark with empowered choice and grace. I was wrong. The fallout was extremely hard. Even now, as I write this, my nervous system continues to activate, and I take gentle steps with myself to titrate my nervous system by writing and regulating, writing and regulating, over and over again.
The Healing
Healing from narcissistic abuse is a long, difficult journey. Here are some tips for healing:
Don’t lose your friends and loved ones, even if they judged the relationship. Mine saved me.
Try to look at behaviour only, while limiting any interpretations or assumptions you may make towards a person’s emotions, intent, thought process, trauma responses, etc. These will only ever be hypotheses. Behavior, in a relationship, will always be a reliable marker of the present circumstance.
Look for signs of narcissism in future relationships. One of the biggest red flags begins within you. If you start to feel confused about yourself – your emotions, your beliefs, what you want, how you should be treated, then the gaslighting is already starting.
Consult a therapist, counsellor, friend, family member, or someone with an unbiased opinion on what you are experiencing.
Address the grief and trauma associated with the relationship and the loss of the relationship. Therapy can both gently and powerfully assist in this process of healing. Here are some recommendations for healing the grief and trauma resulting from such relationships:
Build awareness of yourself, including your thoughts, emotions, body sensations, what you intake through your senses, and your body’s posture and movements. Learn to connect to each of these areas.
Recognize the inner parts of you. Do you have an inner protector that tells you that you deserve more? Do you have a wounded child who was desperately looking to be acknowledged and loved?
Develop self compassion.
Get to know who you are at your core.
Learn your attachment style and how past relational traumas have impacted you in the present.
Discover how to meet your needs of connection, love, being understood, seen, and heard by self and by trusted others.
Find ways to let go of relationships where co-dependencies, trauma bonds, invalidation, or mis-attunement exist.
Take action to heal from the grief that arises from relationships ending and from the loss of the future we envisioned for ourself.
Process the traumatic events that occurred from the emotional abuse experienced.
Blog Written by Erin Newman
Erin Newman is a Registered Provisional Psychologist, Certified Grief Recovery® Specialist, and EMDR Clinician at The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre.
Erin works with children, teens, adults and couples from a holistic and trauma informed approach that looks through the lens of attachment theory. Within this framework, she infuses many different strategies to support a variety of concerns, including relationship breakdown and loss, trauma, anxiety, depression, fertility, parenting struggles, narcissistic abuse, and more.
Her way of viewing wellness and healing tends to be spiritual, artful, and somatic. Her aim is for her clients to feel seen and heard throughout the therapy process and to work toward the feeling of genuine connection and fulfillment.
To learn more about Erin or to work with her click here.