Self-Compassion: Our Secret Weapon

Self-Compassion: Our Secret Weapon - Written by Justine Richard

When I first heard the term self-compassion, I was immediately put off.

I had inherited a mindset which acknowledged the harsh realities of life, and believed that part of being

strong in the face of it was to be tough with oneself.

Compassion wasn’t exactly a familiar concept in my experience of the world and of other people.

So, when I watched a video with this long-haired, soft-spoken, hippie-looking dude talking about self-

compassion, a part of me scoffed and immediately crossed my arms inside.

What I was aware of was that I thought this concept was flowery and self-indulgent. What I wasn’t

aware of was that it was interpreted as a threat to the way I believed I had to show up in the world, and

for myself.

Like so many others, I had been successfully convinced somewhere along the way that to be strong

enough to face the world invariably involved being tough on myself. I had to be tough on myself so that I

could be tough for everything the world was going to throw at me.

Sound familiar?

What I didn’t know, and what I would eventually learn, was that it was being soft with myself that made

me stronger to face the world.

For me, it became my secret weapon in life, the one that stood staunchly in opposition to everything I

had been taught.

I learned an important lesson- that kindness was crucial, that kindness was the key to getting through

life’s most challenging moments.

“Self-compassion refers to being supportive toward oneself when experiencing suffering

or pain.” - Kristin Neff, 2023

I had to choose to engage in self-compassion, despite all the great reasons my mind came up with not

to.

For me, it was realizing that I finally had this skill, this key to surviving these absolutely brutal moments

of pain, and that was what mattered most- surviving them. It mattered more than all the good reasons

not to use it, and it was louder than the part of me that turned my nose up to the very thought of self-

kindness.

I chose self-compassion, and it changed everything.

Why Consider Self-Compassion?

A lot of people struggle to entertain the idea of using self-compassion, because of all the good reasons

not to- all the great reasons to continue to be hard on ourselves, or to not be there for ourselves in the

way that we need to.

Like the belief that being tough with ourselves makes us tough enough for the world, or the belief that

we deserve to feel this poorly because we are bad, or the belief that shaming ourselves will prevent us

from making mistakes in the future.

All the best reasons come out to fight against the consideration of being kind with ourselves.

But in the end, one has to choose to engage in self-compassion, despite all the good reasons not to.

Why? Because it works. It helps us become stronger to face the world. It helps us make the changes

necessary to be the kind of person we want to be. It helps us survive our most difficult moments.

All the great reasons our minds give us to explain why we shouldn’t use self-compassion in many cases

aren’t true, and they ultimately don’t hold weight against what using self-compassion can offer us.

“Self-compassion functions as a psychological buffer in the face of negative life

experiences” – Suh & Jeong, 2021

What About the Science?

Self-compassionate practices have been found to be associated with reduced psychopathology (Neff,

2023; MacBeth & Gumley, 2012), as measured by depression (Ferrari et al., 2019, Hughes et al., 2021;

Marsh et al., 2018), anxiety (Ferrari et al., 2019; Hughes et al., 2021; Marsh et al., 2018), stress (Marsh et

al., 2018), rumination (Ferrari et al., 2019), eating behaviour (Ferrari et al., 2019), suicidal thoughts and

behaviours (Suh & Jeong, 2021), and non-suicidal self-injury (Suh & Jeong, 2021).

Self-compassion has also been associated with reductions in psychopathology and loneliness in a five-

year longitudinal study (Lee et al., 2021).

In a meta- analysis by Luo and colleagues (2021), self-compassion has been found to reduce

posttraumatic stress disorder with medium effect sizes. Also, Turk & Waller found that self-compassion

was linked to reduced eating pathology and body image concerns in their 2020 meta-analysis.

Researchers have also been examining the mechanisms behind changes observed through self-

compassion, finding factors which include reductions in negative emotional avoidance (Yela et al., 2022),

reductions in negative and automatic thinking (Yip & Tong, 2021), reduced entanglement with negative

emotions (Miyagawa & Taniguchi, 2020), and improved emotional regulation skills (Inwood & Ferrari,

2018) responsible for driving change through self-compassion.

Self-compassion is thought to reduce shame, which is central to persistent negative cognitive states

(Neff, 2023).

Benefits of self-compassion have been found to include positive affect, increased happiness, and life

satisfaction in a meta-analysis by Zessin and colleagues (2015).

Feeling kindness, presence, and connectedness are integral to self-compassionate practice, and are

thought to further explain how self-compassion increases positive mental states (Neff, 2023).

Interested in Self-Compassion? Try This Out!

Self-Compassion Break – Adapted from K. Neff

Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and

see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.

Now, say to yourself:

1. “This is a moment of suffering”.

That’s mindfulness. Other options include:

  • This hurts.

  • I am hurting right now.

  • Ouch.

  • This is stressful.

Then, say:

2. “Suffering in a part of life”.

That’s a part of our common humanity. Other options include:

  • Other people feel this way/are feeling this way right now.

  • I’m not alone (in my suffering).

  • We all struggle in our lives (and this is a part of living).

Now, put your hands over your heart, and feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your

hands on your chest. Or, adopt a soothing touch that feels right for you.

Say to yourself:

3. “May I be kind to myself (in this moment)”.

You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to

myself?”

Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation? Examples might include:

  • May I give myself the compassion that I need.

  • May I accept myself as I am.

  • May I learn to accept myself as I am.

  • May I forgive myself.

  • May I be strong.

  • May I be patient.

If there is a phrase that speaks to your situation, that you will find helpful, say it now to yourself.

This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three

aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.

Want to Know More?

For more on the science behind self-compassion, please visit selfcompassion.org.

or take in some of the following research articles on the topic.

If you’d like to watch the video referenced in the post, you can see Dr. Russell Kolts (aka: long-haired,

soft-spoken, hippie-looking dude) introducing self-compassion with anger by following the link here.

References

Ferrari, M., Hunt, C., Harrysunker, A., Abbott, M. J., Beath, A. P., Einstein, D. A. (2019). Self-compassion

interventions and psychosocial outcomes: A meta-analysis of RCTs. Mindfulness, 10, 1455-1473.

https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-019-01134-6

Hughes, M., Brown, S. L., Campbell, S., Dandy, S., & Cherry, M. G. (2021). Self-compassion and anxiety

and depression in chronic physical illness populations: A systematic review. Mindfulness, 12(7),

1597–1610. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-021-01602-y

Inwood, E., & Ferrari, M. (2018). Mechanisms of change in the relationship between self-compassion,

emotion regulation, and mental health: A systematic review. Applied Psychology: Health and

Well-Being, 10(2), 215–235. doi:10.1111/aphw.12127

Lee, E. E., Govind, T., Ramsey, M., Wu, T. C., Daly, R., Liu, J., Tu, X. M., Paulus, M. P., Thomas, M. L., &

Jeste, D. V. (2021). Compassion toward others and self-compassion predict mental and physical

well-being: A 5-year longitudinal study of 1090 community-dwelling adults across the lifespan.

Translational Psychiatry, 11(1), 1-9. doi: 10.1038/s41398-021-01491-8

Luo, X., Che, X., Lei, Y., & Li, H. (2021). Investigating the influence of self-compassion-focused

interventions on posttraumatic stress: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Mindfulness,

12(12), 2865–2876. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-021-01732-3

MacBeth A, Gumley A. (2012). Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self

compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review, 32, 545–552. doi:

10.1016/j.cpr.2012.06.003

Marsh, I. C., Chan, S. W. Y., & MacBeth, A. (2018). Self-compassion and psychological distress in

adolescents—A meta-analysis. Mindfulness, 9(4), 1011–1027. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-

017-0850-7

Miyagawa, Y., Taniguchi, J. (2020). Self-compassion and time perception of past negative events.

Mindfulness, 11(3), 746–755. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-019-01293-6

Neff, K. (2023). Self-compassionate break. Retrieved from https://self-

compassion.org/category/exercises/

Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual Review of

Psychology, 74, 193-218. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-032420-031047

Suh, H., & Jeong, J. (2021). Association of self-compassion with suicidal thoughts and behaviors and non-

suicidal self injury: A meta-analysis. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 1-15. doi:

10.3389/fpsyg.2021.633482

Turk, F., & Waller, G. (2020). Is self-compassion relevant to the pathology and treatment of eating and

body image concerns? A systematic review and meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 79, 1-

19. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2020.101856

Yela, J. R., Crego, A., Buz, J., Sánchez-Zaballos, E., & Gómez-Martínez, M. Á. (2022). Reductions in

experiential avoidance explain changes in anxiety, depression and well-being after a mindfulness

and self-compassion (MSC) training. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and

Practice, 95(2), 402-422. https://doi.org/10.1111/papt.12375

Yip, V. T., Tong, E. M. W. (2021). Self-compassion and attention: Self-compassion facilitates

disengagement from negative stimuli. Journal of Positive Psychology, 16(5), 593–609.

https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2020.1778060

Zessin, U., Dickhauser, O., & Garbade, S. (2015). The relationship between self-compassion and well-

being: A meta-analysis. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being, 7(3), 340–364.

doi:10.1111/aphw.12051

Blog Written by Justine Richard

Justine Richard is a Registered Provisional Psychologist and EMDR Clinician on our clinical team.

Justine provides therapy from an attachment-oriented and trauma-informed approach, examining how present struggles are informed by impactful past experiences and our rearing environments and earliest relationships. Justine’s primary interventions draw from mindfulness and acceptance work, learning to befriend our inner worlds to change our relationships with difficult experiences. From this foundation, Justine utilizes strategies from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, Emotionally-Focused Therapy, Solution-Focused Therapy, and Compassion-Focused Therapy to address a variety of presenting concerns, which include but are not limited to trauma, grief and loss, emotional dysregulation, anxiety, depression, self-esteem, interpersonal difficulties, experiences in close relationships, personal growth and empowerment, and parenting concerns. She wants her clients to feel safe, validated, and empowered through their time together and strives to meet these aspirations through regular reflection and continued learning.

To learn more about Justine or to book a session with her, click here.

Ashley Mielke