Part Three of Three: The Beautiful Being Behind the Mask
This is the final part to a three-part series on masking and unmasking in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (also called ADHD and referred to as a Neurodivergency).
Masking is when a Neurodivergent individual consciously or unconsciously hides their true self
from the world to avoid judgement, accommodate others, and to fit into a neurotypical world.
The process of unmasking. Unmasking, on the other hand, involves understanding, accepting,
and appreciating ADHD symptoms as a natural part of self, and no longer hiding them from the
world. Unmasking is a difficult, yet beautiful process.
What Does Unmasking Feel Like?
Challenging. Unmasking feels difficult, as it involves peeling away the layers of social
conditioning, emotional defenses, and false beliefs that have accumulated over time and
prevented a person from fully expressing their authentic self. It is also challenging because it also
requires a deep level of self-reflection, introspection, and self-awareness. It is difficult work!
Uncomfortable/Painful. It can feel uncomfortable to confront one’s fears, vulnerabilities, and
insecurities, as unmasking requires one to do. It also involves being honest with oneself and
others about one’s thoughts, feelings, sensations, and experiences.
Scary. Unmasking can be scary as it requires us to confront our fears of rejection, judgment, and
criticism. It can be painful to experience these when we are unmasked.
Vulnerable. As we unmask ourselves, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable by revealing aspects
of ourselves that we may not have ever shown. Unmasking requires a willingness to be
vulnerable, to let go of our emotional defenses, and to allow ourselves to be seen and heard as we
truly are.
Grief. As we unmask, we may experience grief when we acknowledge the time and experiences
spent not being able to be who we are.
Empowering. In order to unmask ourselves, we need to have a strong sense of self-awareness and
an understanding of our own boundaries. This means knowing what is important to us, what we
are willing to tolerate, and what we are not willing to tolerate. Setting boundaries is important in
any relationship, as it allows us to protect ourselves from harm and maintain our sense of self-
worth. When we unmask ourselves, we are vulnerable and exposed, and having clear boundaries
can help us feel safe and protected. Sometimes, the boundaries including putting on a temporary
persona or protective part in order to protect ourselves from harm. This can feel very
empowering.
Transformative. Unmasking can be a transformative process that leads to greater self-acceptance,
self-love, and personal growth. It can help individuals connect more deeply with themselves and
others, and live a more authentic and fulfilling life.
Connecting. In general, being vulnerable is a powerful tool for personal growth and connection
with others. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we create space for deeper connections
and intimacy with others, as we are able to share our true selves and connect on a deeper level.
When I began the process of unmasking, it was unsettling. I felt as though I was both
uncomfortably exposed and oddly comfortable at the same time. It was also confusing, as some
parts of me wanted to mask, yet it seemed that I was no longer able to hide myself away in the
same ways I used to.
How Can I Unmask?
Unmasking is a process of unfolding oneself. To use the metaphor of the mask, it’s peeling off
the mask slowly, bit by bit, at a pace that works for you. It is not a linear process, but in some
ways, there are steps that we may go through. There are several ways to begin the unmasking
journey, including seeking out a diagnosis from a healthcare professional, educating oneself on
ADHD and its symptoms, and connecting with others who have similar experiences.
Then, the next step in the unmasking process is building self-awareness. This involves learning
more about what parts are the mask and what the mask is covering up underneath. One way to do
this is to explore what you are like when you are alone. This is likely your unmasked self. You
may also consider exploring what behaviors you engage in to please other people. This might be
your masked self.
Therapy can be particularly helpful for building self-awareness and insight. One way of doing so
is through “parts work”, where we start to identify all of the different parts within us, including
the masked, hidden, and suppressed parts of us. These parts can include emotions, beliefs, and
memories that we may have pushed away or denied in order to cope with difficult experiences.
By unmasking these parts, we can gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and our emotions
and learn to integrate and heal them.
Another step involves understanding what the mask does for us. This might include exploring
what the mask protects us from, and often it is protecting us from feeling judged or rejected by
others. An important part of this process is understanding who we are at our core, in order to
separate our masked parts from our true self. This may involve exploring aspects of ourselves
like our traits, ways of being, ways of understanding and seeking knowledge, and understanding
our personal values. A peculiar thing starts to happen along the way. Once the mask is
understood and starts to peel away, it no longer fits the same way. It can’t go back on, despite us
wanting it to at times.
Finally, unmasking involves building self-acceptance and self-love. Once we know who we are
behind the mask, it is important to find true acceptance and love for ourselves, neurodivergent
traits and all. Part of self-love might include setting boundaries in relationships in which we
cannot be our true selves. Another part of acceptance and self-love may include aligning our
personal values with how we live. Further, another part of self-love is finding true self-
compassion and acceptance of all of our parts, and even finding some of our traits as gifts.
Certainly, there is suffering and dysfunction in some traits, but perhaps there is beauty in others.
I remember finding my intense emotions problematic and always leading to suffering. I didn’t
want to feel intensely anymore. I remember one particular moment of emotion, during which I
reflected upon what else the emotion might be doing for me. It was at that moment that I realized
emotions are my superpower. They allow me to deeply understand and connect to others, and
they are strong indicators of things in my life. Like a lighthouse, my emotions light the way for
me to go forward, allow me to avoid certain harmful things, and help me ride the waves of life
with a little more buoyancy. Instead of floating in the dark, the emotions allow me to see myself
more clearly. In this light, I can’t and won’t hide away.
Ultimately, the goal of unmasking is not to eliminate symptoms of ADHD entirely, but rather to
embrace them as a part of oneself and learn to work with them in a way that enhances one’s
overall well-being. By unmasking, neurodivergent individuals can move beyond the pressure to
conform and instead embrace their unique perspectives and talents. Most importantly, unmasking
allows for a beautiful and deep attachment to oneself.
Helpful Resources:
Books:
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems
Model – by Richard Schwartz.
Scattered Minds – by Gabor Mate
Divergent Mind – by Jenera Nerenberg
Women with ADHD – The Hidden Flower – by Karen Hopkins and L. William Ross-Child
Online Resources:
Self-Compassion: www.self-compassion.org
ADHD as Females Podcast: https://www.adhdasfemales.com/podcast
Additudemag.com
Blog Written by Erin Newman
Erin Newman is a Registered Psychologist, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, EMDR Clinician, and Somatic Experiencing Practitioner on our clinical team.
Erin works from a holistic and trauma informed approach that looks through the lens of attachment theory, which examines how our childhood relationships shape our emotional world. Within this framework, she infuses many different strategies to support a variety of concerns, including relationship breakdown and loss, trauma, anxiety, depression, fertility, parenting struggles, and more. Erin’s way of viewing wellness and healing tends to be spiritual, artful, and somatic. Her aim is for you to feel seen and heard throughout the therapy process and to work toward the feeling of genuine connection and fulfillment.
To learn more about Erin or to book a session with her, click here.