The Intimacy Dance
Attachment styles describe the ways we tend to connect to other humans. The process of attachment begins in infancy and our caregivers’ actions or inactions inform what type of attachment predominantly develops. There are four types of attachment: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. This blog addresses the adult attachment patterns and behaviors of avoidant and anxious attachment styles. An anxious attachment style typically develops when the emotional needs of a child were not consistently met, resulting in a view of love and connection as unattainable or themselves as undeserving of it. When a person has an anxious attachment style, adult love can seem like an unstable and nearly unattainable goal that underpins many decisions in life. An avoidant attachment style develops when a child’s emotional needs were met with insensitivity or unresponsiveness, viewing intimacy and affection as uncertain and unhelpful. When one has an avoidant attachment style, love can be perceived as overwhelming, triggering, stressful, and restricting. Despite these polar opposite views of love, why do so many people enter into the anxious-avoidant love dance?
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
As a couple’s therapist, I see this dance very frequently. As a partner, I have been locked into this dance myself. Let me outline the cycle of emotion and conflict that occurs when an anxious and an avoidant get together. At the beginning of the relationship, things look and feel great. There is that new feeling of growing interest that is developing, and the potential for like and even love to blossom. That feeling is powerfully intoxicating. For the anxious lover, it is a feeling equated with love that they are constantly striving for. They want more! For the avoidant lover, the intoxication can feel overwhelming, suffocating, and can cause anxiety. Once that new relationship feeling fades, the avoidant partner may begin to step away from the love-dance. The anxious partner feels this step away from the relationship, and takes a big step forward. In this big step, they may engage in behaviors such as texting frequently, showing up announced, and trying to prove his or her worth. The avoidant partner further steps backward and even disengages from the dance. He or she may shame the partner for their overwhelming behaviors. They may ignore texts and calls, and cut off communication. They may also start to focus only on the behaviors they see as “crazy” or overwhelming. The couple then may decide to disengage in the dance completely, but more often, they re-engage. Each time they do, however, the relationship becomes more and more imbalanced. This is because the avoidant person may feel like they need compensation and change from their partner in order to re-enter the dance floor, while the anxious attached person will resort to compromising his or her needs to keep the relationship dance going. The dance continues, and the cycle goes on. It’s not all bad, though! Both attachment styles have wonderful qualities in times of calm and relative stability. For the anxious lover, they crave closeness, and may do beautiful, caring behaviors to express their love to their partners. They are often thinking of ways to please their partner, and reliably take care of their partner’s needs. An avoidant attachment style often values self- growth, independence, and self-love. Often, an avoidant partner likes to see others grow in these areas as well, and may help try to foster these qualities in their partner. However, the dance will inevitably turn toward each partner activating and honoring their ingrained attachment style, so how does such a dance shift into something less toxic?
Choosing a New Dance
How do we disengage from this type of dance? One way to work towards change is to choose a heart-centred therapist to walk alongside you on your healing journey. Therapy, including Emotion Focused Therapy, can help heal attachment systems and create a more secure attachment style. Another way to leave the dance floor is to choose a secure partner. When a partner repeatedly and reliably meets our emotional needs, our system shifts towards security and this becomes hardwired into our brains. When I was in the avoidant-anxious attachment dance, I struggled with the idea of finding healing through another person. I wondered what would happen if I couldn’t find that. I wanted to heal in my own journey of therapy, rather than in intimate relationship. A wise person close to me explained that beginning a strong connection to ourselves can heal in the same way, and will carve a path toward accepting healthy relationships.
Here are some ways I have learned to connect to myself:
Slow it down. As someone who is nearly constantly in a state of activation, I have begun to learn to consciously slow down throughout my day. In these moments I might breath, I might do some of the below exercises, or I might simply sit and think, or sit and feel.
Turn in and turn out. Throughout my day, I check into myself. I non-judgmentally turn inward and attune to what my body is feeling, what my current emotion is, and what my thoughts are doing. I then shift my focus to my environment and I pay attention to what my senses are taking in, and I name it.
Connect to the land. This year I embarked on a journey of learning from Elders, knowledge keepers and peers about connecting to the land and Indigenous ways of knowing. Through this, I have come to understand that connecting outward to the land around me can be one of the most powerful shifts I can make inside myself. I become an important part of the land around me if I sense into it.
Be vulnerable. This one can be difficult, but I am learning to share my internal state (emotions, thoughts, body sensations) with those around me. As the wise Brene Brown has taught us, being vulnerable and sharing those intimate and internal parts of ourselves invites deeper connections to others. It also fosters deeper connection to ourselves.
Plant the seeds of self-love. The journey to self-love is a long, bumpy road. It is a courageous, purposeful, and holistic set of actions we take toward acceptance, growth, and a sense of contentment. For me, this journey has involved lovingly acknowledging the different parts of myself that are activated in different situations, especially the younger, child-like parts. It has been about lovingly giving those parts what they emotionally need, while making a conscious choice away from familiar, yet damaging patterns.
“The longest journey you will make in your life is from your head to your heart” - Sioux proverb
Resources:
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller
Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown
Healing Your Emotional Self by Beverly Engel
Love Sense by Dr. Sue Johsnon
Blog Written by Erin Newman
Erin Newman is a Registered Provisional Psychologist, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist, and EMDR Clinician at The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre.
Erin supports her clients from a holistic and trauma informed approach that looks through the lens of attachment theory, which examines how our childhood relationships shape our emotional world. Within this framework, she infuses many different strategies to support a variety of concerns, including relationship breakdown and loss, trauma, anxiety, depression, fertility, parenting struggles, and more.
Her way of viewing wellness and healing tends to be spiritual, artful, and somatic. Her aim is for you to feel seen and heard throughout the therapy process and to work toward the feeling of genuine connection and fulfillment.
Erin is passionate about her work with children, teens, adults, and couples. Erin is trained in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Emotion Focused Family Therapy, Gottman Method for Couples Therapy, The Grief Recovery Method, and the Circle of Security Parenting Program. She has also taken numerous workshops in areas such as sandtray therapy, play therapy, and art therapy.
To learn more about Erin and how she can support you, click here.