Understanding Our Grief Through Covid-19
The coronavirus was an unexpected crisis that has significantly impacted us in every way. It has disrupted any sense of familiarity and certainty we had as individuals, families, communities, businesses, and as a world. Many of us have experienced a significant number of losses including, loss of control, loss of comfort, loss of freedom, loss of routine, loss of security, loss of health and well-being, loss of physical connection, job loss, financial loss, loss of schooling, loss of childcare, and loss of hopes, dreams and expectations, around graduations, weddings, vacations, and even funerals.
With grief comes conflicting feelings. According to The Grief Recovery Institute, grief is defined as the “conflicting feelings caused by the end or change in a familiar pattern of behaviour”. Such conflicting feelings and changes in behaviours will be different for every individual, as grief is unique to each and every one of us.
For some, these losses may have caused heightened feelings of anxiety, anger, fear, and stress, a reduced ability to concentrate and focus, changes in eating and sleeping, increased use of substances and numbing behaviours, emotional and physical exhaustion, and a roller coaster of uncomfortable emotion.
For some, these losses may come as an opportunity for rest and renewal; finding gratitude in the solitude, silence, and slowness of life right now. Perhaps it is an opportunity to re-evaluate values, goals, and priorities, connect with loved ones, catch up on projects, commit to an exercise program, start a side hustle, or engage in a new hobby.
For others, it may be some combination of the above reactions; ebbing and flowing between gratitude and peace and fear and discomfort. Maybe you are grateful for the extra time at home with your partner and children, but incredibly heartbroken that your loved one’s wedding or baby shower was postponed. It can often feel like a tug-a-war of emotions in your heart. This is grief!
Either way, whatever your experience is at any given moment on any given day, please know it is completely normal and natural. We encourage you to acknowledge and express every emotion that comes to the surface without judgement or analysis.
Here are 3 tips that will help you to process your emotions and effectively manage your health during this time:
1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel: Our brains naturally want to make sense of these circumstances by understanding them, analysing them, and developing a solution for them. We desire a sense of predictability and control over situations in which we lack control and certainty. We want to “fix” what feels broken, uncomfortable, and scary. Feelings are not to be fixed, just felt. Try to remain attuned to your unique emotions and instead of intellectualizing them notice them, feel them, and watch them pass without judgement. Even though something may sound intellectually true, it is often not emotionally helpful. One intellectual comment that we’ve heard a lot lately is “Well, at least we’re all in the same boat.” While this is accurate in many ways, it doesn’t address the unique emotions each of us are experiencing right now. Be kind, gentle, and compassionate with yourself. Let go of expectations around what you think you should be doing or should be feeling right now. Your experience is unique and individual to you and should not be compared to anybody else
2. Focus on Your Locus of Control: Experiencing a loss of familiarity, certainty, and control during a global crisis such as this, can create overwhelming feelings of fear and anxiety. It can feel like a slippery slope into a negative feedback loop of unhelpful thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. Although you may not have control over the outcomes of this pandemic or what may happen economically, you do have control over the small and consistent actions you take daily, to reinforce the health and well-being of your mind, body, spirit, and relationships.
3. Engage in Actions That Nourish You: During a time of loss, particularly of this magnitude, it is easy for us to slip into behaviours that cause us to avoid, escape, and numb-out. For many of us this may include increases in substance use, snacking, screen-time, online shopping, social media, netflix, sleep, work, and disengagement from loved ones. This often occurs because we are so full of emotional energy, we are seeking ways to relieve ourselves of the experience we’re having. Without judging ourselves for these behaviours, just be mindful of what your short-term energy relieving behaviours are. You may want to consider engaging in other behaviours that allow you to process your emotion in a healthy and effective way and that also fill you with comfort, peace, and presence. Think of self-care and grounding strategies that you have used historically that have been helpful, and consider integrating one or more of the following strategies:
Eat fresh fruits and vegetables
Maintain a sleep routine (wake up and go to bed at the same time)
Engage in daily hygiene rituals including showering and getting dressed every day
Engage in a minimum of 10 minutes of movement (ie. yoga, stretching, or a walk)
Listen to soul-nourishing music
Meditate or pray
Do some deep breathing
Start a gratitude journal
Have a hot bath
Make a cup of tea
Do a DIY project
Connect with loved ones over face-time
Play games, cards, or do puzzles with your partner and/or children
Watch your favourite movie
Play with your pet
Bake or cook with a new recipe
Organize a closet
Read a book
Connect with your spiritual or religious community members or
Seek support from a therapist or counsellor
We hope that you are able to find comfort and peace during these uncertain times through integrating small and consistent daily actions that encourage emotional expression, follow your needs in the moment, and support you in staying grounded in the present.
Navigating grief is never easy, comfortable, or familiar. It is literally a day-by-day process that requires us to let of expectations of ourselves and others, calls us to practice self-compassion and generosity, and encourages us to honour our unique experiences without judgement, criticism, or analysis.
If you are struggling to cope and manage your grief, our healing team at The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre would love to help. Until June 30, 2020, we are offering a Coping Through Covid initiative for individuals across Alberta, who are experiencing heightened levels of stress, anxiety, and overwhelm resulting from covid-related losses. We are offering telehealth (video and phone) services at 50% off for up to a maximum of 3 sessions per person. For more information visit www.healmyheart.ca. To schedule your session today contact us at info@healmyheart.ca or (780) 288 – 8011.
This article was written by Gina Baretta, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® and Ashley Mielke, Founder and Director of The Grief & Trauma Healing Centre. Visit www.healmyheart.ca for information about our grief counselling services and Grief Recovery Method® Programs.
Photo credit: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-51919945