Categories > Grief

Helpful and Unhelpful Messages About Grief Within Music

Music is a part of our everyday lives. We hear music on our drive to work, when we exercise, while sitting in the waiting room at a doctor’s office, and even in our favorite stores while shopping. Sometimes when we are going through a difficult time in our lives, we can rely on music for healing and inspiration. Catherine Ulbricht is a pharmacist and shares that music is linked to our moods and also has therapeutic effects. Additionally she explains that music can have an impact on a person’s mood and well-being. Music can play an instrumental role as we can relate to the lyrics, form a connection, and feel like we are not alone through our difficult times. When it comes to songs, there are some lyrics that have misinformation and myths pertaining to grief and then there are some others that send a good healing message. This blog dissects current songs that provide misinformation and alternative songs that deliver helpful information. 

Songs with Myths and Misinformation

Be Alright by Dean Lewis

“It’ll be okay
It’s gonna hurt for a bit of time
So bottoms up, let’s forget tonight
You’ll find another and you’ll be just fine
Let her go”

Currently, this is a popular song on the radio and has many myths and misinformation about how to heal after a break-up. One of the myths of grief is time heals all wounds, which implies if we just wait for time to heal, then our pain and grief may diminish. Further, when we grieve we use short term energy relieving behaviors (STERBs) which portray the idea that we are attending to our feelings but we are actually suppressing them. The second and third line suggests to give it time and use alcohol, which is a STERB, to forget about the pain. Another myth of grief is to replace the loss which the final two lines imply that there are plenty of people to choose from who can replace the partner. 

Numb by Jaira Burns

“Oh, I’ve been drinking for reasons other than fun
And I’m feeling numb-numb-numb-numb, numb-numb-numb-numb
I’ve been smoking this sadness into my lungs
And I’m feeling numb-numb-numb-numb, numb-numb-numb-numb”

Numb by Jaira Burns addresses the use of STERBs and the actual effects it has when we use them. When we participate in these behaviors we only experience a temporary sense of relief. The problem with STERBS is when we use these behaviors it gives us an illusion that we are healing but we are actually burying and numbing the pain. In this song she uses drinking and smoking as a way to numb her pain and sadness. It is important that when we are grieving we are attuned to our feelings and move through the pain rather than avoid it or replace it with substances. 

The Show must go on by Queen

“The show must go on
The show must go on (yeah yeah)
Ooh, inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on”

This song was one of the last songs written by Queen and was to show Freddie Mercury’s drive to want to continue singing through his battle with AIDS. Although there is inspirational meaning behind this song it is a good example about how we may put our emotions on hold instead of feeling and acknowledging them. John James and Russell Friedman of The Grief Recovery Institute created a term called “Academy Award Recovery” which is when we put on an act or façade that we are doing okay, but instead we are experiencing heartache and sadness. Within these lyrics we can see that Freddie Mercury is suffering and full of heartache but he still tries to keep a smile on his face. The misinformation in this song is we do not have to put on a fake smile when we are grieving. If we are open, honest, and intentional with our feelings we can work through our grief and start our journey toward moving beyond the pain. 

Songs with Helpful Information and Inspiration

Must have never met you by Luke Combs

“I guess whoever said the grass is greener 
Must have never seen the other side
What don’t kill you makes you stronger 
Sure sounds like a lie
And whoever said that time heals everything 
And everything will be alright?
Whoever said it ain’t the end of the world
You can find somebody new
Must’ve never met you”

Luke Combs challenges and addresses three myths in his song including, Be Strong, Time Heals Everything and Replace the Loss. He questions the societal norm and what he has heard from others and realizes these beliefs do not match his grieving process.  Additionally, he acknowledges an intellectual comment that is commonly heard after a break up which is “the grass is greener on the other side.” We know that intellectual comments are not helpful because they do not focus on the emotion or what the person is going through. When we suggest that the grass is greener on the other side, we are implying that what you had is replaceable and to move on because there is something better or more out there. He responds in his second line by saying the other side is not what he wants as he is grieving his current relationship and not ready to move forward.  

Cry Pretty by Carrie Underwood

“And falling apart is as human as it gets
You can’t hide it, you can’t fight what the truth is

You can pretty lie and say it’s okay
You can pretty smile and just walk away
Pretty much fake your way through anything
But you can’t cry pretty”

Carrie Underwood’s song Cry Pretty implies that you cannot hide from your emotions and eventually will have to embrace and feel your emotional pain. The line “falling apart is as human as it gets” is a powerful and inspiring message that holds truth. In our lives we are given the gift to feel love and give love. When we can feel love this also means we will experience loss and sadness when we lose people who are close to us. It is in our human nature to “fall apart” and feel sadness and despair just like we feel happiness and love. True strength comes out when we allow ourselves to grieve and feel instead of trying to hide behind a smile or a lie. 

This Ain’t my Momma’s Broken Heart by Miranda Lambert

“Go and fix your make up girl it’s, just a break up run an’
Hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady ’cause I
Raised you better, gotta keep it together even when you fall apart,
But this ain’t my mama’s broken heart”

In this song by Miranda Lambert shares messages that are learned through our lives that do not help with the grieving process. In these short lyrics, the myth of being strong is used by suggesting that you have to be strong and pull yourself together to act like a lady. She further sings about how we have been taught to keep it together even when we feel like falling apart. The concluding lyric in this verse sends a message that everyone will grieve differently and grieve in their own unique way. What may have “worked” for the mom is not helping the broken heart in this story. This song teaches us that even though we may have been told myths and misinformation we still have the opportunity to grieve in our own way. It also teaches us that we will all grieve individually and will have unique experiences with our losses. 

If you are seeking support to move through the pain of loss in your life, please don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at The Grief & Trauma Healing Centre. We can be reached at 780-288-8011 or info@healmyheart.ca.

This article was written by Gina Baretta, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, and edited by Ashley Mielke, Owner and Director of The Grief & Trauma Healing Centre. Visit www.healmyheart.ca for information about our grief counselling services and Grief Recovery Method® Programs. 

Photo credit: www.udiscovermusic.com/news/carrie-underwood-cry-pretty-tracklisting

Reference: Ulbricht, C. (2013). Music Therapy for Health and Wellness. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/natural-standard/201306/music-therapy-health-and-wellness

Why a Change in Health is a Form of Grief

Our bodies and health will naturally progress and change throughout our lives. Health could be affected by diets, injuries, accidents or unexpected illnesses. Personally, I had a change to my health at the young age of 19. I tore my MCL in my knee during a provincial bronze medal soccer game. I was devastated, as I had played soccer my whole life and managed not to sustain any major injuries. After my knee injury, I spent 2 months in crutches and spent a year attending physiotherapy to make sure my knee was strong again. Since the injury I have retired from playing soccer and can no longer run recreationally like I used to. I grieved losing my athletic endurance, stability, and flexibility. My knee will still seize on me at random times during the day and I will need to ice and elevate it to get it back to normal.  My lifestyle changed immensely as the hobbies I used to love were robbed from me because of my injury. 

Have you ever considered a change in your health as a form of grief and loss? John James and Russell Friedman define grief as the “conflicting feelings caused by an end or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.” A change in health can create conflicting feelings and our emotional reactions can be confusing. For me, I was grateful that I could still exercise but sad I could not run the same way I used to. Changes in health can cause limitations, change in routine and lifestyle, alterations to your hopes and dreams as well as acceptance of your new reality. As we experience these changes it can create feelings of sadness, hopelessness, disappointment, and frustration. 

Limitations: After experiencing a change in your health you may bump into some limitations within your life. For some, a change in health could put limits on their ability to work and exercise, and interfere with their daily activities. Additionally, dietary restrictions and allergies can be a major health change that can make us feel limited and restrained. These limits and restrictions may include a change in grocery bills, limitations for eating out, requiring special accomodations in social events and a concerted effort to meet dietary needs. This process could be isolating and frustrating especially if it is not by choice.

Change in routine/lifestyle: When we have a major change to our health we may not be able to do what we used to, therefore we experience a change in our daily routines and lifestyle. These changes can trigger more loss and feelings of unhappiness, hopelessness, and sadness. It is important to know that a variety of emotions could be felt through these transitions and it is normal to feel them. In confidence and anonymously a young woman shared her story about her grief process following a dirt biking accident:

“I experienced a traumatic dirt biking accident that would change my life forever. My experience in the hospital was terrifying and anxiety provoking. I suffered severe injuries in my legs to the point where the doctors were concerned I would lose them. Every day the doctors would come into my room and check to see if there was a pulse in my leg and make sure they were still functioning properly. I was anxious and worried every day and hoped that I was not going to hear the worst. After many months in the hospital, steel plates and a multitude of screws, I was released from the hospital with two active legs. My healing process was lonely and isolating at times because no one knew what I was going through. There were nights that I would have nightmares about the accident and it was terrifying to re-experience it. At times I felt frustrated and hopeless that my life was not going to be better or the same for that matter.

 I nearly lost my life and my ability to walk. Being alive and healthy is something I am eternally grateful for. With that said, my life has changed forever, including my lifestyle and daily routine. Although I am happy to be alive, I grieve my old routines and lifestyle. Some losses that have triggered feelings of grief include not being able to ride dirt bikes again because of my injuries, the constant pain I experience every day, and losing full range of mobility. I had to make changes in my job such as continuously elevate my leg because it swells and I cannot take my dog on long walks. Additionally, my scars embody both of my legs and I do not like to wear shorts because it makes me uncomfortable, especially when people stare. These losses have made me feel frustrated, heartbroken, sad, and hopeless. I have felt conflicting feelings throughout this process being extremely grateful to be alive, but also feeling devastated of the new challenges I am overcoming.” 

Hopes, dreams and expectations: We all have hopes and dreams that we strive and work hard to accomplish. If we experience a health condition that impedes on our journey towards our dreams this can create feelings of grief. For example, if you dreamed of running the Boston Marathon but ended up suffering a massive injury that caused you not to run anymore, you may feel lost, disappointed, and sad. If you were in a tragic car accident, suffered permanent damage, and unable to do the things you once dreamed of, your hopes and expectations of yourself could be negated. If you suffered a brain injury and could not continue with the job or education you love you may feel discouraged and sad knowing you have to start a new career path. 

Health related changes can create immense feelings of hopelessness and disappointment. Regardless of what emotions you feel, be gentle with yourself. You are experiencing a major life transition and do not need to “figure it out” immediately. We must acknowledge and validate our emotions, be attentive to our emotions, and find healing at our own pace.

If you are struggling to overcome the pain, isolation, or loneliness caused by a loss of health, accident, injury, or illness in your life, please don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at The Grief & Trauma Healing Centre. We can be reached at 780-288-8011 or info@healmyheart.ca

This article was written by Gina Baretta, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, and edited by Ashley Mielke, Owner and Director of The Grief & Trauma Healing Centre. Visit www.healmyheart.ca for information about our grief counselling services and Grief Recovery Method® Programs. 

Photo credit: https://www.mackesysmye.com/articles-resources/personal-injury/pain-and-suffering

Signs of a Grieving Child

Unfortunately most children will experience grief and loss before entering into adulthood. Some forms of loss that a child could experience include divorce, death in the family, pet loss, moving, and bullying. As parents, teachers, caregivers, and adults, it is our responsibility to be aware of the signs, emotions, and reactions a child may exhibit in response to grief. This blog will provide indicators that a child may be grieving and provide a set of questions you can ask the child to help them express their emotions. 

Mood Changes: Every child and individual will grieve and express their emotions in their own unique way. There is no “right or wrong” way to grieve or show your emotions. Additionally, not everyone will have the same responses and emotional expressions at the time of a loss. With that said, adults should be prepared to acknowledge a variety of emotions the child may express and understand that all feelings are a normal and natural response to grief. It is normal to have some good days and some bad days. Additionally, a child may have sudden or postponed mood changes depending on certain triggers or situations they are in. Although this is a normal occurrence with loss, it is a sign that the child could be grieving and may be seeking support.

Changes in Sleep Patterns: Similar to adults, after a loss or a life change a child may have sleep disturbances. Children could either spend too much time sleeping, be in and out of sleep, or not be sleeping at all. If you notice a child is having sleep disturbances you can ask them questions such as “What are you thinking about”, “Why do you want to stay in bed all day?” These open ended questions allow for conversation where the child can begin to share what is causing their sleep disturbances. Having an open and honest conversation with your child creates a safe and secure place to express their emotions without judgment or criticism. If your child is having difficulties falling asleep, a tool you can use is the “headspace app for kids” which offers meditation strategies that helps young children fall asleep.

Changes in Normal Activities: Children are usually involved in recreational activities, enjoy spending time with friends, being with family, and engaging in free play. If you notice your child is no longer enjoying or wanting to participate in activities they used to have pleasure in then it would be important to investigate why. Let’s use the example of Emily. Emily is 11 years old and enjoys going to dance on Tuesdays and Thursdays, likes to spend time with her best friend Emma, and playing soccer with her dad on Saturdays is the highlight of her week. After the sudden passing of her family dog she no long wanted to play soccer with her dad on Saturdays. Her dad became worried and decided to ask Emily “Why don’t you like to play soccer on Saturdays?” Emily responded by saying “I just don’t.” Dad replied and said “Well I am always here if you want to play.”  A few hours later Emily came up to her dad and explained that she didn’t want to play soccer because her dog Lola was unable to join them and it made her sad. Dad patiently listened to Emily cry and explain how she was feeling and told her that when she felt ready they could play soccer again. Letting your child know that you are available when they are willing to communicate is important. Although some signs could be subtle, it is essential we are attuned and aware of the individual changes that could stem from grief. 

Isolation: One of the myths about grief and loss is “Grieve Alone”. You may be wondering why this is a myth? Children and individuals may isolate and grieve alone if they feel that they do not want to burden others with their feelings. During special times in our lives it is simpler for people to want to celebrate with us rather than grieve with us. Additionally we have been taught to “shake it off” or “not to worry”, therefore when our pain and grief is so heart-wrenching it is easier to hide it from others and grieve alone. Just like when we celebrate the positive changes and events in our lives, we need to also be there to support children during the challenging and difficult times. Having open communication and informing the child that you are emotionally available for them at all times is important. When a child does share something with you, refrain from comments suggesting they need to “not feel bad” or to isolate. Some comments to avoid are “go to your room if you need to cry”, “when you’re done crying, then we can talk”, and “big girls don’t cry”. 

Shifts in Energy: Emotional pain is exhausting, draining, and uses up a lot of our mental and emotional capacity. When a child is grieving it is normal for them to have a change in their energy levels. Energy could fluctuate and a child could have a lot of energy or minimal energy. Sometimes when we grieve we want to keep ourselves busy, therefore we miraculously find extra energy. When this happens, we will eventually begin to feel emotional burnout yet our grief and pain still remains. If you are finding the child is irritable, having difficulty falling asleep, and is over-stimulated during the day, this is something to pay attention to. On the other hand, grief can make us groggy, fatigued, and unmotivated to do our regular activities. This also occurs because our pain and emotions are so strong it becomes draining and difficult to do other things in life. For a child if you see that they are not wanting to get out of bed, having more naps than usual, or feeling fatigued, it is something to pay attention too.

These signs of grief are a normal and natural response after a loss. It is important as adults that we don’t misinterpret that there is something wrong with the child or that this behavior is abnormal. Grief is complicated, therefore our feelings and reactions can be complicated too. The best way to support a child is to give them a safe environment, allow them to be honest about their feelings, and encourage them to share their emotions and feelings around the loss.

If you are seeking professional support in how to effectively help your child through a loss, please don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at The Grief & Trauma Healing Centre. We can be reached at 780-288-8011 or info@healmyheart.ca.

This article was written by Gina Baretta, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, and edited by Ashley Mielke, Owner and Director of The Grief & Trauma Healing Centre. Visit www.healmyheart.ca for information about our grief counselling services and Grief Recovery Method® Programs. 

Photo credit: Thinkstock 

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